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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29304006">no romo but married</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessseventy/pseuds/jessseventy'>jessseventy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aromantism, Asexuality, Crack Treated Seriously, Found Family, Gen, Marriage, POV Outsider, Queer Themes, Yet No Romance, internet family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:47:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29304006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessseventy/pseuds/jessseventy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Internet families. People you meet on the internet… who then adopt you.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>No Romantic Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>no romo but married</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have no regrets.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Internet families. People you meet on the internet… who then adopt you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The host nodded as the audience laughed. It was, by the sound of it, pretty insane. Once they’d quieted down, she continued, the screen on her left changing to display the image of a young, white adult with neon pink hair, grinning at the camera. “This is Cameron. Last month, she married Joan, despite not being romantically involved with each other, at all. The wedding, which took place in a museum in Ontario, was attended by thirty-two guests, most of whom had never meet the brides to be, despite cheerfully announcing themselves with lightsabers, swords, three water guns, one Nerf gun, and among other things, a sign that said “FUCK ALLOS BE ARO”.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The image changed to show a short video, taken from inside what was presumed to be the museum previously mentioned. At first, it was filmed through a window, displaying a van pulling up, and people spilling out. The person filming quickly transitioned to the doors, getting outside them as the group headed up the steps. There was a shriek of “WHO WANTS SPIKED BROWNIES” and then the video froze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Laughter from the crowd.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You see,” the host said, clearly holding in her own laughter, “These people call themselves the Mutiny Family. Most of them had never met, until that video was taken. They knew each other through a Discord server that they discussed fanfiction on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time, the laughter was loud, and the host snickered alongside them, before composing herself. The screen displayed a drawing, a digital one, showing a mass of people, done like it was a family portrait. Most of them were in pyjamas, gay pride clothing, or cosplay. One person wore a suit, although it was covered in sequins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Despite this, and I kid you not, Cameron and Joan got married, not because they loved each other or for tax benefits, but in the words of Walter Johnson, their so-called internet brother, they wanted to give Cameron’s parent’s an early death and cause chaos.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a direct quote by the way, written by Walter on the YouTube account that they live streamed the wedding from, because not all of them could make it. The account also has a video titled “Mutiny Through the Years” which is nearly an hour long, has an ad that is the full Lego Movie halfway through every time you play it, and is composed of sketches, photographs, screenshots, and audio recordings that they’ve shared throughout the past six years. We watched that video, several times, and I highly recommend it for such gems as the AI want’s Joan dead, parts one through eighty two and counting, Rabbit’s collection of weapons, a contemplation of Grey swearing loudly just about every time they open their mouth, and this video, which comes up sixteen times.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a robot, one of those ones high schoolers use to learn coding, and it sits on a desk. It rolls forwards, jerks, and there’s a gasp from whoevers filming, before, without a care in the world, it rolls forwards, and straight off the desk. The person filming shrieks, screaming, and it cuts out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Promptly, the audience laughed. As did the host, who covered her face with a hand, trying to compose herself. “That robot--that robot is Timothy, and he was the ringbearer for the wedding.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More laughter, and a short video taken from a cell phone, of someone leaning into the wedding aisle, lowering the camera and zooming in on the robot, who was slowly making its way towards the front of the room, a teenager visible in a unicorn onesie at the back of the room with a laptop. Someone shouted, trying to get the robot to go faster, and they yelled back that Timothy was trying, okay, he was in therapy, give him a break.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is all insane. And we’ve barely started to cover this. First, we need to establish that both Cameron and Joan idenfity as aromantic asexuals, or in their own words--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You may kiss.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“GROSS!” One of the two shouted, shoving themself away from the other, who screamed “WE’RE ASEXUALS!”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--they’re not interested in romance, or sex. It’s a part of the LGBTQIA2+ community, which, we should mention, everyone at this wedding, is a part of, except for Cameron’s family. Even Timothy, who identifies as a demiboy, and pansexual. Literally, for the second, as they’re in a relationship with this pan. Who doesn’t have a name.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence, before a single snort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The events that took place at this wedding, not in alphabetical or chronological order are; Grey announcing themself by kicking open the doors and shouting I AM HERE while holding the sword from Legend of Zelda in one hand, and Captain America’s shield in the other. While dressed as a dragon. And we’re not kidding, because Quinn, the self-appointed token Jew, filmed it, along with most of the wedding, alongside the live stream. Just watch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The screen displayed a momentarially frozen image of a woman with neon green hair, before it played, the camera spinning around and steadying on the door. As previously explained, it was kicked open by someone wearing a neon pink dragon costume that was possibly three sizes too small, with the sword held high, and the shield painted in the colours of the bisexual pride flag. They shouted, and someone else from within the room screamed back that they were late. A moment later, Grey, the person in the dragon costume, got tackled by the person who’d previously been seen in the unicorn onesie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took a little while for the audience, and the host to calm down, and when they did, they continued.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A reminder that that’s just the first item on our list. Followed by Cats and Vibe spiking both the brownies, the punch, and most of the food and drink in general, not with drugs, but dried strawberries ground up into a dust and mixed with sea salt. And that’s followed by the fact that they apparently all agreed to decorate for a third graders birthday party--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An image of the wedding hall. A Dora the Explorer piñata hung in a corner, posters for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hung near the windows, and it looked like someone had attacked the place with confetti. It was complete with a Spoiler birthday cake with a pair of wax figurines fighting stuck on top.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“--the traditional bride’s role was filled by Joan, who walked to the Imperial March, which is Darth Vader’s theme.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The first dance wasn’t even between Cameron and Joan, it was between Timothy and his datemate, that pan from before, and it was done to the Fraggle Rock opening theme song.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes. They did. There was footage of it, of course, with over twenty people clapping and singing along to the song, encouraging Timothy, who was rolling in circles around a cast iron frying pan, and was the source of the music.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was no Bachelor or Bachelorette party, as, according to the YouTube channel we’ve already mentioned, they couldn’t find a gender neutral term for the event, so they didn’t host one. Instead, they had an after party, which we also have footage of. Just watch this excitement.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a hotel room. A big one, with people strewn across the entire space, a movie playing on the TV. Some of them were watching. Most were on their phones, which all dinged at the same time.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why are we texting!?” One of them demanded, “We’re in the same room!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re all really stupid introverts, that’s why.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“True.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“And these were the invites.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were white, with a glittering rainbow border and purple and green flowing cursive. They read something along the lines of the following;</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>DEAR FUCKING FAMILY OR INTERNET SIBLING</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>YOU ARE HEREBY INVITED TO JOIN THE CELEBRATION</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>EITHER ONLINE OR IN PERSON IF YOU AIN’T BROKE</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>SO THAT WE CAN FUCK WITH CAM’S PARENTS</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>PJ, COSPLAY, AND PRIDE WEAR FRIENDLY</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>NO REAL GUNS BUT ALL OTHER WEAPONRY WELCOME</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>THERE WILL BE CAKE, THEY’RE ASEXUALS, DUH</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“To sum it up. A group of strangers rented a museum, decorated it for a four-year-olds birthday to get a pair of aromantic asexuals married, encouraged each other to show up in dragon costumes and bring Nerf guns, had a robot bear the rings, have the youngest person, one of their kids, because some of them are old enough for that, wed the pair, the first dance was between a robot and a frying pan, the bride walked like she was Darth Vader, and they livestreamed it all on YouTube.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? Cameron’s parents, and several of their parents, actually, including Typhoon, Frog, and Iron--because they all use their internet names, you need to realize, these aren’t their real names--are homophobic. And they either invited them, or sent them a photo album with zero context.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The host looked like she wanted to bang her head into her desk, because it really was insane.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s barely scratching the surface. Because you have to remember, they met through fanfiction. It’s almost predictable that their playlist for their dances was almost entirely composed of music from whatever shows, movies, books, whatever they’ve ever been interested in! That includes Moana, Shrek, Star Wars, and Wreck It Ralph.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Also, there was a sword fight.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I still have no regrets.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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